Do It As If It Were Easy, As If You’ve Always Done It

Lately, I have been touching on this new illusory feeling. It is coming and fleeting such that I can only get a glimpse of it for now. It mostly visits me during my mediation and sometime during random activities throughout the day too. It is a feeling of possibility, of being able to act, to change my own actions, or sometimes inactions supported by fear/procrastination/reservation suddenly, to begin to act in a new way like I have always done it this way only. As if it comes naturally to me. I’m struggling right now to find the proper words of describing it. I will give just one example. For years I knew about recycling the trash. I knew some places oblige people to do that, other people just realize and do that on their own. And it just seemed too complicated for me to start and do it. Until I caught that thought, that feeling one day. The idea to pretend and act as if I have always done it, how would it be? What would that routine look like, and how would I accomplish it, without considering it an effort, a drag, a complication to an existing routine? On some internal level it would feel simple, and easy, and matter of factly, I thought. I would just do it without overthinking. I need to take a break here, you see I am usually overthinking everything, and perhaps, many people would read these lines as alien to them, but for me any new activity has a needle-punching in my fingertips and gut-irritating sensory experience, I usually have a hard time changing old ways of going about my days. So this was a revelation, to touch on an idea/ way of thinking and living – in which it is just a given, that you thought of something and then took an action like it is easy, and assume it to be normal, regular part of your life. Since then I just picked an additional trash bag, set it up in a laundry room and started to collect all the plastic there like if I did it this way for years, and it is appeared to be way more easy than I have ever thought of it.

After that, this new feeling of possibility started to come more and more often. It is still more of an abstract idea, that is hard for me to catch and express. I started to feel this way about writing, just picking up a pen and a notebook, or even a sheet of paper, or even a note app, and writing without giving it much thought.

Recently this feeling started to tell me something about my career, a new undertaking, a new venture that I still yet to formalize and discover. More time is needed to get a sense of what direction it is, what is it that I am able to do professionally while gaining personal satisfaction and sense of a purpose, and do it naturally like it was meant to be.